Tag Archives: tantrum

Parents, You Don’t Have To Give In To Children’s Demands!

You are happily shopping in the mall when you hear it. That awful screech interrupts your happy thoughts about candles and sales. You turn just in time to see a small child fling herself onto the ground and begin to cry. Well, not just cry, but scream as if she is going to die. The mom first tries to talk with the little one. Then mom becomes agitated and says sternly, “Good girls get treats, yelling and crying babies don’t!”

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Maybe you think the mom is right. After all, she tried to reason with the child. The child refused to listen. “Of course the mom became stern and told the little girl what’s what”, you think to yourself. Or maybe you think that the mom should do whatever she can to hush the child even if that means giving in to demands. Why not buy the cheap toy? If they are at a mall, surely the mother has a few dollars to spare!

But wait, there is another way! Ok, I know I sound silly, but it is true. I have personally, and repeatedly, tried this method and it works!

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What if mom knelt to the child’s area and asked how she can help? What if mom sat beside or cuddled the child having a meltdown? Neither of these behaviors is giving in to a child’s demands for toys, candy, or whatever else may be a trigger. However, both of these options allow the child time to feel big emotions, calm down when as the emotions pass with help from the adult, and find a resolution even if that resolution is a firm “no, but your feelings and opinions are noted”.

Notice that this method does not equate to giving in to demands. A child can cry because they cannot have something and still not get that item. It is okay to validate the feeling of disappointment over being told “no”.

Who wouldn’t appreciate letting out my frustrations without being judged, punished, or made to feel as if my concerns were less valid than those of others. Why not afford the same respect and compassion to our children so they, in turn, can learn how to give respect and compassion to others?

I know it may feel strange at first, but if you consistently validate emotions, your children will not use or manipulate you. They will respect you and feel heard.

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A child in full meltdown mode can be frustrating, nerve-wracking, and downright annoying. Remember that you can choose to take a breath, sit or kneel near the child’s level, and validate the big emotions while still being firm in your decisions. By not punishing or shaming a child for a meltdown, you are validating feelings, teaching how to accept “no” for an answer, and you model how to behave in a healthy way though you may feel frustrated.

Contact me if you would like to schedule a consultation to help you find peaceful ways to work with your children on behavior issues. I would love to work with you!

Photograph by Alexandra Islas

Melissa Walley Packwood, M.S. Ed. Photograph by Alexandra Islas

Parenting Tool: Try It Again

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A couple of years ago I began using a picture routine list with my son in order to help him transition from one part of our day to another. It helped with his meltdowns for a short time and then the schedule went to the trash can after a couple months of less than stellar results. As he grew older, he had less transition related meltdowns and I slowly forgot that we once created a schedule for him.

Fast forward to last week. Due to some changes in our lives, my son began having difficulty during our morning and evening routines. He knows the steps of getting ready for his day and getting ready to sleep, but was melting down quite often yet again. I decided to go back through the strategies we tried before in order to find one that helped.

I asked my son if he would like to help me create a new picture schedule for both our morning and evening routines. He agreed. There we sat at 9 PM looking through free photos we could download for our charts. Not only did he feel important, he also felt in charge of his routines. They are the routines I prefer, too. It was a matter of putting the routines on paper again so he could easily refer to them when needed.

Images courtesy of David Castillo Dominici, winnond, SOMMAI, Serge Bertasius Photography , Sira Anamwong, and foto76 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Images courtesy of David Castillo Dominici, winnond, SOMMAI, Serge Bertasius Photography , Sira Anamwong, and foto76 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Since creating the new and improved routine lists, he has had less meltdowns, enjoys trying to read the words we chose to include with the pictures, and reminds me what he has not yet completed. We worked as a team, which means we both won.

The moral of the story is that sometimes a strategy will work for a time, not work, and then work again. Sometimes a strategy won’t work at all, then you try it again years later and it works. Never say never to a peaceful, respectful strategy.